


Mind in Tatters

by This-is-my-otp (Zetalial)



Series: Tumblr Elricest ficlets. [4]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, Post-Canon, sort of dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21544225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zetalial/pseuds/This-is-my-otp
Summary: Ed's been acting strangely since the Promised Day. His sacrifice came with some unfortunate side-affects.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric/Edward Elric
Series: Tumblr Elricest ficlets. [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1475240
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Mind in Tatters

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this chapter is basically just a single conversation which feels like an idea for a greater story. Not sure if I'll write more but I like the concept.

“I don’t regret it, you know.”

Alphonse turned around in surprise, staring at his brother. It was the first thing he’d said all day. Edward wasn’t looking at him though, staring resolutely into the distance.

“Regret what?” Al inquired softly. He approached him, carefully seating himself beside his brother. Ed was still, not so much as acknowledging his presence as he continued to gaze outside, seemingly transfixed by the falling rain.

“Saving you,” he replied.

Saving him? Al frowned, feeling a thrill of fear pass through him at such a terse yet ominous reply. Was he referring to giving up his alchemy? Ed had been acting strangely for a while, or so others had told him. Al was feeling ashamed not to have been there for him, when there was something so obviously… off about him.

A few months had passed since the Promised day, since he’d gotten his body back. They’d gone their separate ways, Al attending hospitals and trying to recover, splitting his time between Risembool and the City to do alchemy research. Ed had apparently gone travelling on his own, having left Risembool quite abruptly out of the blue one day, according to Winry. Al hadn’t worried too much at the time as his brother had always been the restless sort and their quiet home in Risembool felt a bit stifling after their hectic lives.

They were both back in Central City for a reunion. They’d each agreed to meet up with some of their other friends and companions. Naturally, he and Ed were sharing a room together. He hadn’t expected Ed to be so distant though, elusive as he had been since the last few months. It wasn’t natural for Ed to be so quiet. 

“It wasn’t my alchemy I gave up, that was just a consequence. At first, I thought it was the only one,” Ed continued, speaking in a dull, even tone.

Al placed a soft hand on his brother’s (soft, delicate), right hand, and placed his other on Ed’s chin and gently tilted his head towards him. Ed’s face seemed downright haunted but he waited until Ed finally met his gaze. What, exactly, had Ed been waiting to tell him?

“Talk to me,” Al said, bracing himself for the worst.

Ed took a long breath. “I traded my Gate for you. It’s what allows us to perform alchemy.”

“Okay,” he said. Why did the distinction matter?

“The thing is, it was also through my gate that the Truth poured all of its knowledge into my head - such vast quantities of ideas, facts, everything.” Ed’s gaze had drifted from him again, looking into the distance once more.

Al nodded; he couldn’t forget his own encounter with the gate. Usually though, he tried not to think about it as it was uncomfortable to contemplate the sheer amount of knowledge he’d witnessed in those brief, yet eternal moments. And yet all too often the memories would resurface as he made use of the stuff he’d learned from no ordinary source. Truly, his mind was irrevocably changed by the experience.

He tightened his grip on his brother’s hand. They'd never talked much about what they'd seen of the Truth. The knowledge had come at far too high a price for it to be anything but the most of memories. Ed wouldn't have brought it up unless it was important and Al was finding he was dreading to hear him speak about it.

“It felt like a single instant, but in truth, once the gate in our mind is opened it never truly shuts. We’ve opened a tunnel in our minds to the source of all the knowledge in the universe and every time we transmute we make use of it.”

“Except mine’s been closed for good now, because I traded mine away for you - and it was worth it!" Ed paused, giving Al a grin - a forced smile full of pain. "-and it turns out that the knowledge is all still there in my head but my mind can’t deal with it anymore!”

“That sounds... worrying." That was an understatement. Al was feeling extremely worried and he reexamined his brother, seeing signs of exhaustion. Ed looked very worn down, between battered clothes, slumped shoulders, and bags around his beautiful yellow eyes.

“Very,” Ed agreed, still smiling bitterly. “I’ve been experiencing these terrible headaches and they just get worse and worse,” he confessed.

“Are you- are you alright?” Al asked. Why hadn't he checked on Ed sooner? The second he heard that something was off about him. How bad was it? What could be done about it?

“I will be, I think,” Ed assured him weakly. It tasted like a lie. “But I’ve lived with the truth in my head for years and I just can’t deal with it - with all the knowledge, now trapped solely within my head.”

“Is it so bad?” Al inquired. “I mean, minds are quite incredible at holding onto information anyway and my mind possesses it all too, right? How different is it without a gate?”

“You don’t- can’t understand. The Truth isn’t sensible - the data we’re given isn’t ordered and easily intelligible, it’s scattered fragments in a chaotic arrangement that are difficult to parse. When you’ve got a pathway, it’s a constant stream of data that’s ever moving and our connection to the Gate helps us to comprehend it all,” Ed explained. He was speaking in a slightly lecturing tone now, which indicated to Al that he’d been giving these theories a great deal of thought and Al was hearing the conclusion he’d come to.

“But without mine, I’m left with an incomplete set, a mess of knowledge that’s practically impossible to comprehend. These bits of data are incredibly annoying, because I’ll know something, but I won’t know why - I’m lacking the proper context to make sense of much of it and it’s been confusing.”

"Not to mention how much of it is completely alien to me," he added.

“And that’s why you decided to leave to go travelling, you were trying to sort out your mind with a bit, I guess, solitude?” Al surmised. He was feeling uncomfortably like he should be doing something to help but he had no idea what to do other than just continue holding Ed’s hand and continue listening.

“Yes, that’s right.” Ed nodded. “I’ve been forgetting things. I’ve been reading too, trying to fill in gaps in my knowledge, to ground them in reality but it’s too hard. Too much of it was too alien and I’m honestly starting to hate the very sight of alchemy books.”

Al tried to smile at Ed’s attempt at levity but he couldn’t hide his worry and fear.

“So you’re slowly forgetting everything you shouldn’t know?”

“I’m forgetting… a lot. I’m having a hard time keeping track of my memories. I’m losing my mind, I guess.”

“Losing your mind?!” Al repeated in horror. Just how much was Ed forgetting?

“Yeah. You could say it’s like my mind is being rejected, just like your soul was rejecting your artificial body. Equivalent exchange?”

Al punched his brother in the shoulder roughly. “No! No way! I don’t want to lose you! You’re not going to forget that much, right?”

Ed shifted awkwardly. “I might forget a lot. The gate was infinite knowledge you know? And my life is very small compared to the size of the universe. I’ve been having a lot of trouble already, remembering things.”

“No that’s not fair!” Al roared. “There must be something we can do!”

Why did it sound as if Ed, his stubborn to the point of madness older brother, had already given up fighting?

Ed smiled bitterly. “It’s not your burden - I promise that getting you back to normal was worth it, but-” Ed raised a hand as Al began to interrupt. “But I don’t want to forget anything important.”

“I’ve been travelling, trying to go back to all the places we visited over the years. It’s harder than I thought, travelling alone, especially in my current headspace,” Ed continued.

Despite how much his brother had grown up in the last few years, he still struggled to ask for help, it seemed. “Well, I’d love to come with you then!” Alphonse said, tone brooking no argument. He was not going to allow Ed to just lose his mind (Al shuddered at the very thought.)

“It could be fun actually, revisiting places when I’m not trapped in armour and we’re not part of the military,” Alphonse added, warming to the idea. He’d welcome the experience in all honesty - though most of his thoughts were concerned with his brother’s story.

Ed’s smile looked just a little less strained and, on impulse, Al gave him a brief hug. Ed was not very soft, but it was comforting all the same. Al hadn’t known he was losing his brother and it was reassuring to know that his presence was still warm and solid.

But his mind, his brilliant mind in tatters? How much was Ed understating it? Did he dare consider finding a way to return Ed’s gate? Or could they possibly trust that it would naturally sort itself out?

“I don’t know what to do,” Al confessed. “But if it’s possible, we’ll find a way to fix you.”

Just like you fixed me, he thought. 


End file.
